so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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