I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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