if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
