Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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