these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
