Got a toothbrush?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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