it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
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I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
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Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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