Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
