man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Welp...herpes.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
