mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
