dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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