i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
