So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
