dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
