Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
