I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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