so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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