last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
