I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
