i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
