Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
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I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
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i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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