if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize