she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
