Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
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