Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
