Pants 0. Shit 1.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
