We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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