where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
