i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
