my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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