He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
