I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
