Already got asked if we're dating
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
not ubering you a puppy
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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