my sisters under your porch take her home
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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