Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
