So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
