So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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