Non-Jews are for practice
My hand turned me down
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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