He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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