What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
