Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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