I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
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You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
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He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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