I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
