I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
