Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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