Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
