she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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