So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
