I like my sex mixed with concussions.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
