somebody snuck up and got me drunk
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
