you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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