Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
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Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
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I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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