Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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