He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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