Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Randomize
