Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
