I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
